Game The Second: Eternal Questions

For centuries, wise people have asked questions. Is there intelligent life in the universe? Is there a just and loving God who controls existence? Will human beings ever be able to coexist without strife and violence? Can the 2024 Red Sox muster a major league offense without Rafael Devers? The answer to one of these questions is "no," as the Mariners throttled the Deversless Sox on four hits. Hard luck loser Nick Pivetta and friends also allowed 4 hits, but since former Phillie JP Crawford had the foresight to place one of his hits on the other side of the fence, Boston lost 1-0. 

2024, Game The First: The Good Kind of Weird

 Opening on the Coast is weird, although it has happened before. Opening a Red Sox season that feels, as the kids say, mid, is not as weird, or certainly not as uncommon. Behind homers from New Guy and Probable Private Detective Tyler O’ Neill and Old (Relatively Speaking) Guy Rafael Devers, the Red Sox managed a 6-4 win out in the Wild Northwest over the supposedly pitching rich Mariners. 

Week The Sixth: May 8-14, 2016: "Busting Out The Whooping Sticks"

Sunday we begin in New Jack City, where the Red Sox unleashed that all purpose cure for poor umpiring, four home runs in a 5-1 win. Then came the Athletics and Astros to town, and the Carmine Hose brought back fond memories of George Scott, Butch Hobson, Jim Rice and the late 1970s thumpers, pounding out four straight double digit offensive bludgeonings, wins of 14-7, 13-5, 13-3, and 11-1. All things must pass, however, and George Springer's 3 for 5 capped a comeback by the Houstons in a 7-6 squeaker on Friday. The Red Sox seemed headed for defeat on Saturday too, trailing 5-4 in the bottom of the ninth, when David Ortiz did that thing he does, tripling in the tying run, and, not to be outdone, doubled home the game winner in the 11th for a 6-5 comeback walkoff win that capped a 6-1 week.

Week The Fifth: May 1-7, 2016: How I Was Ron Kulpa'd Into Submission

Sunday began the week with a completed sweep, an 8-7 win over the Yankees after another rough outing from Price. After an off day, Tuesday brings us to the City of Big Shoulders and a 4-1 loss to the White Sox, a decent outing from Steven Wright ruined by a sad four hits off of Jose Quintana. Wednesday featured a return to form, a strong effort from Buchholz and 3 RBI from the Large Father in a 5-2 win. Thursday gave us another strong offensive performance, homers from DP, Hanley, and Shaw powering a 7-3 win. Then came Friday's 3-2 defeat in New York, which sort of deserves its own paragraph, and then a rather routine 8-2 loss to the Yanks on Saturday to finish out a 3-3 week.

Friday's game began with a 2 run first inning, followed by single runs in the 1st and 2nd for the Bombers, resulting in a 2-2 tie after 2. There matters stood until the 7th, where Aaron Hicks, of all people, homers off of Porcello to give the home side a 3-2 advantage. Then came the ninth inning. Singles from Josh Rutledge, Dustin Pedroia, and Xander Bogaerts loaded the bases with one out off of lefty closer Andrew Miller. This brings David Ortiz to the plate, and the sublime turns into the ridiculous. With 3 balls and one strike, Miller throws one of his ridiculous sliders, which McCann catches in approximately the right hand batter's box, which is called a strike. It wasn't, but it was at least arguably one, making the count 3-2. Ortiz complains, rightfully, and John Farrell comes out to reinforce and echo Papi's views, and gets excused for the rest of the evening. Miller's 3-2 pitch is outside, and absurdly, ridiculously low, and, of course home plate umpire Ron Kulpa calls it a strike. Either pitch could have been a game tying ball four, and the second one inarguably was. It was unprofessional, unethical, and the greatest argument for robot umpires since Eric Gregg last roamed the Earth. Disgraceful.

Week The Fourth, April 24-30, 2016: A Kimbreltdown!

Sunday begins with a Kimbrel meltdown (A Kimbreltdown?), a 9th inning Colby Rasmus homer tying the game at 5, even though we eventually pulled it out with two runs in the twelfth. Monday was a simple 1-0 shutout, the lone run a JBJ blast, although it came against the terrible Braves, so maybe that should only be half a win. Tuesday brought a more respectable 11-4 smackdown of these same terrible Bravos, and Wednesday gave us another 9-4 beating of the Atlantans. Thursday ended all the joy and rapture with a 5-3 defeat, Bad Clay Buchholz rearing his head again. Friday brought us back home to Fenway and a 4-2 win over the Evil Empire, reaching the vaunted Dellin Betances for the winning tallies. Saturday brought more rapture than we are really entitled to, an 8-0 wipeout featuring dominance from Rick Porcello, of all people. We wrap up the week with a 6-1 record, and even though 4 of them came against the struggling Astros and the terrible Braves, they count as full wins in the standings.

Week The Third: April 17-23, 2016: Farrell's Follies

Sunday was the first Farrell Headscratcher, with a 2 run rally in the 9th closing the deficit to 5-3. With both Brock Holt and Dustin Pedroia sitting on the bench, Farrell lets Chris Young, Jackie Bradley Jr, and Ryan Hanigan bat. No, I don't know either. Marathon Monday was another puzzle, a 1-0 lead with 6 outs to go that he handed to Taz, and then Koji, who couldn't find home plate with a map and a compass today. Farrell apparently forgot that he had other relievers, watching two walks and a hit batsman and a hit and the game, a 4-3 loss. Tuesday brought a whole new level of agony, a one hit performance from Drew Smyly combined with a first inning injury to Joe Kelly, and finished off by 8 1/3 more shutout, bullpen taxing innings, and then a 10th frame implosion in a 3-0 defeat. On Wednesday, we shelled Chris Archer, of all people, for some early runs, along with a much needed strong effort from Ranger Rick Porcello in a 7-3 victory. Thursday's getaway game gave us our first David Price disaster, gone in the fourth in an 12-8 drilling. Friday found the Sox in Houston, a passel of early runs supporting Stephen Wright in a 6-2 win, but Saturday gave us Cowboy Clay's Struggling Road Show, an early shelling in an 8-3 loss that gives us a 2-5 week that seems prophetic.

Week The Second: April 10-16, 2016: "X Marks The Spot"

Sunday dawned with the Red Sox being Marco Estradaed into submission, a 3-0 whitewash. Monday gave us the first gut punch of the season, Baltimore's Chris Davis spoiling the home opener with a rocket to deep center off of Kimbrel to seal a 9-7 loss. Tuesday brought an early lead, which Buchholz gave back, and then yielded to the bullpen, who completed the shelling in a 9-5 loss. Wednesday brought 5 rough innings from Joe Kelly, but the offense picked him up for a 4-2 win. After Thursday's off day, Friday was those mean Jays again, and another hammering of Dickey in a 5-3 victory. Saturday was Price again, a 4-2 throttling of the Canadian power boys featuring a 3 run jack from the X Man that gives us a 3-3 week, 6-4 in toto.