Week The Sixth: May 8-14, 2016: "Busting Out The Whooping Sticks"

Sunday we begin in New Jack City, where the Red Sox unleashed that all purpose cure for poor umpiring, four home runs in a 5-1 win. Then came the Athletics and Astros to town, and the Carmine Hose brought back fond memories of George Scott, Butch Hobson, Jim Rice and the late 1970s thumpers, pounding out four straight double digit offensive bludgeonings, wins of 14-7, 13-5, 13-3, and 11-1. All things must pass, however, and George Springer's 3 for 5 capped a comeback by the Houstons in a 7-6 squeaker on Friday. The Red Sox seemed headed for defeat on Saturday too, trailing 5-4 in the bottom of the ninth, when David Ortiz did that thing he does, tripling in the tying run, and, not to be outdone, doubled home the game winner in the 11th for a 6-5 comeback walkoff win that capped a 6-1 week.

Week The Fifth: May 1-7, 2016: How I Was Ron Kulpa'd Into Submission

Sunday began the week with a completed sweep, an 8-7 win over the Yankees after another rough outing from Price. After an off day, Tuesday brings us to the City of Big Shoulders and a 4-1 loss to the White Sox, a decent outing from Steven Wright ruined by a sad four hits off of Jose Quintana. Wednesday featured a return to form, a strong effort from Buchholz and 3 RBI from the Large Father in a 5-2 win. Thursday gave us another strong offensive performance, homers from DP, Hanley, and Shaw powering a 7-3 win. Then came Friday's 3-2 defeat in New York, which sort of deserves its own paragraph, and then a rather routine 8-2 loss to the Yanks on Saturday to finish out a 3-3 week.

Friday's game began with a 2 run first inning, followed by single runs in the 1st and 2nd for the Bombers, resulting in a 2-2 tie after 2. There matters stood until the 7th, where Aaron Hicks, of all people, homers off of Porcello to give the home side a 3-2 advantage. Then came the ninth inning. Singles from Josh Rutledge, Dustin Pedroia, and Xander Bogaerts loaded the bases with one out off of lefty closer Andrew Miller. This brings David Ortiz to the plate, and the sublime turns into the ridiculous. With 3 balls and one strike, Miller throws one of his ridiculous sliders, which McCann catches in approximately the right hand batter's box, which is called a strike. It wasn't, but it was at least arguably one, making the count 3-2. Ortiz complains, rightfully, and John Farrell comes out to reinforce and echo Papi's views, and gets excused for the rest of the evening. Miller's 3-2 pitch is outside, and absurdly, ridiculously low, and, of course home plate umpire Ron Kulpa calls it a strike. Either pitch could have been a game tying ball four, and the second one inarguably was. It was unprofessional, unethical, and the greatest argument for robot umpires since Eric Gregg last roamed the Earth. Disgraceful.

Week The Fourth, April 24-30, 2016: A Kimbreltdown!

Sunday begins with a Kimbrel meltdown (A Kimbreltdown?), a 9th inning Colby Rasmus homer tying the game at 5, even though we eventually pulled it out with two runs in the twelfth. Monday was a simple 1-0 shutout, the lone run a JBJ blast, although it came against the terrible Braves, so maybe that should only be half a win. Tuesday brought a more respectable 11-4 smackdown of these same terrible Bravos, and Wednesday gave us another 9-4 beating of the Atlantans. Thursday ended all the joy and rapture with a 5-3 defeat, Bad Clay Buchholz rearing his head again. Friday brought us back home to Fenway and a 4-2 win over the Evil Empire, reaching the vaunted Dellin Betances for the winning tallies. Saturday brought more rapture than we are really entitled to, an 8-0 wipeout featuring dominance from Rick Porcello, of all people. We wrap up the week with a 6-1 record, and even though 4 of them came against the struggling Astros and the terrible Braves, they count as full wins in the standings.